Hairy Museum of Natural History

Greetings, dear visitor, and welcome!

You must surely be possessed of an intrepid soul to wander this far afield to-night, so close to All Hallows’ Eve. Surely you have heard the tales of strange happenings this time of year, when the world of the living is never closer to the world of the dead? On this night, unwary travelers might soon find themselves in very strange surroundings indeed!

I see by your expression that you care little for these stories. Superstitions told by fools to frighten the ignorant, you say? Hm. No doubt you are correct; these stories to tend to “take on a life of their own,” it is said, once they fall into the common imagination.

Still, a modicum of caution is never ill-advised, and I pray you let me be your guide for a short time along the path ahead. For, my traveling friend, your wanderings have led you deep into…

See here, along these rocks beside the path? Yes, there appears to be some sort of writing, but these marks were made long before the hand of man ever touched this place. In truth, they were laid down ages before men had hands! Interpreting this ancient tongue is no mean feat, but I dare say they are imploring you to “GO BACK…GO BACK!!!” Go back, that is, more than 400,000,000 years past, when intricate lace-colonies of miniscule animals thrived in the Silurian seas. Let Christopher Taylor, at Catalogue of Organisms, take you back to the unspeakably ancient realm of the Graptolites.

This isn’t the only tale to be told by our Cataloguer of Organisms. Mr. Taylor also relates the tale of a most hideous experiment, wherein researchers have attempted to recreate the conditions by which plant sap can lethally ensnare animals…perfectly preserving their trapped corpses against the ravages of time!

Look, along the path! The dead are always close here…you can see by these tracks they passed across this very ground not 315 million years hence. Here one set of reptilian talons clawed at the muddy earth, there a smaller set scuttled away to hide. Neil Kelley, proprietor of microecos, can uncover more examples of these accursed footfalls, doomed to preserve a record of their maker’s walk along a beach for a geological eternity…

Speaking of footfalls, perhaps it would be best to pursue an alternate route. I have heard of several reports describing a giant beast sighted not far from this very spot, one who has been given the all-but-unpronounceable name of Futalognkosaurus. I implore you, do not seek it out this evening, for I do not relish the thought of explaining how you came to be trampled by some newly-described Dinosauria. If your curiosity is piqued by this enormous animal, I ask that you research it more thoroughly through the expert writings of Messrs. Kelley, or Miller, or Switek, or Baird. I hasten to add that the remains of a similar beast are now available for hazardless examination at the Sauropod Vertebrae Picture of the Week collective.

Of course, not all the animals who haunt The Boneyard are large in stature. Listen closely, and you may perceive the rustlings of much smaller spirits. PZ Myers presents an image of the archaic marsupial Sinodelphys, whose visage was revealed through the esoteric arts of the talented Carl Buell.

At this juncture you may perceive the enigmatic bones of wide-waisted therizinosaurs, compared with the similarly bizarre fossils of chalicotheres and giant ground sloths by Zach Miller of When Pigs Fly Returns. Monsters such as these have twisted the tongues and confounded the minds of men for many years, and I fear we must press on before we, too, become hopelessly engrossed with their anatomical eccentricities.

Ah, but I see another interesting puzzle awaits us. At Laelaps, Brian Switek examines the possibility of beings with human-like intelligence evolving from a bird-like dinosaur, Troodon, in his thoughts on the “Dinosauroid”. Whilst we are passing through ground traveled by Mr. Switek, it is best to keep a close eye out. One never knows when one might be stalked by a bear-dog or come face to face with the gaping maw of a rauisuchian…

Look now above you—do you see the fluttering of black wings against the waning moon? These Eocene bats are quite like their modern counterparts, but, as Dr. Ryan of Palaeoblog informs us, they lack the ability to echolocate. They are quite harmless, I assure you. Still, it might be for the best to keep your head low until they pass.

I see by the figures up ahead that we are nearing the end of our walk through The Boneyard. Come closer, and rejoice! For not all the tales told in this strange place concern the dead. Ethical Palaeontologist Julia Heathcote relates her visit to the Annual Meeting of the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology, where men and women who spend their lives among the rocks and bones gather to share and celebrate their work. Another four part series from the Meeting may be viewed at Studio D’Arte Corvo.

Faithful traveler, we have at last reached the end of our wanderings together. Be wary in your future journeys, for, as you have seen, the living world is riddled with signs from the dead, in forms beyond all imagining, and in number far beyond measure. Heed them well, and you may find your travels from this point forward enriched by their ancient wisdom.

The Boneyard is fated to reappear within a fortnight’s time. Details of its whereabouts are soon to be revealed here.

—Matt Celeskey.

File under: Miscellany.